Dear Gracie the Cat,

(Gracie is the white cat. Jag is the black cat)

I know you are a great Huntress, I really do. But in the future, could we stick to 'hunting' stray rubber bands and dust bunnies within the confines of our home? I do not appreciate you trying to show off and "one up" LeRoy, (the friendly lizard who lives on our back patio and periodically runs out from beneath random patio fixtures, scaring us half to death).

Bringing him into the house this morning, clenched tightly within your jaws is not funny. To me, and certainly not to LeRoy. You're lucky I was enjoying my morning solitude and was still ignoring the babies in their cribs.

Further Gracie, let's talk about your listening skills. When I say, "GRACIE DROP IT! LET LEROY GO!" I mean drop him right there. If I had meant, "GRACIE, run through the kitchen, then down the hallway, then run up the stairs and THEN drop Leroy" then that's what I would've said.

Finally- and LeRoy, this part is for you. If you're dead, be dead. Don't be dead and THEN SUDDENLY ALIVE right by my bare feet! I realize that I am like, 400 times your size, but can't you tell by my soothing voice and friendly demeanor that I was NOT the one trying to eat you? I merely wanted you the hell outa my house.

Chasing you up and down the stairs, wildly thrusting random objects at you trying, again, NOT to kill you, but simply block your further forward progress up the stairs and possibly into my kids' room. When I say, "It's okay LeRoy. Just...be....still..." that means STOP FREAKING RUNNING so I can catch you and return you the great outdoors!

Did the two of you think it was funny that I nearly ran out into the backyard with a lizard in a tub still IN MY UNDERWEAR? Cuz I surely did not. Mostly because it meant I had to risk leaving you alone for a few more moments, risking your escape, while I ran to put on pants before greeting the neighbors.

Let's be very clear-Gracie, hunting is for outside. Do not bring me your treasures. LeRoy, you've been warned and you're welcome for returning you to the backyard. In the future, let's be paying better attention when fluffy white things lurk nearby.

Oh and Gracie, I now have a pretty good idea who left me a half eaten pack rat on the rug a few months ago. Stop trying to blame it on Jag. You're busted.

Love, Mom

This is LeRoy. Lucky dude.