To Squishy, with Love...

Dear Colton,
I am writing you this letter on your 8 month birthday. It saddens me and delights me that you are growing up so fast....I've learned so much about you (and me) in 8 months. Though truth be told, I started knowing you long before I ever got to see your little face. "Baby A"- that was once your name. And even then, your personality was already starting to show. You had the best spot in my belly and always seemed to be sprawled out any time I got to see you on an ultrasound. But because of where you were, I couldn't feel you move nearly as much as the others. At first it worried me, but I think you knew that. Just when I'd start to get nervous that I hadn't felt you move in awhile, you would give a little kick or a push or do a little rolling over. I believe that was your way of telling me you were just fine. I knew then that your personality would be the strong, calm type...and you are. I could not wait to meet you. Your birthday was the best day of my life. I knew you would be born first and when they told me at 11:40 am, that you were here, my heart immediately filled with love for my "first born son and first born baby."

Colton, you are stronger than many grown-ups I know. Before you were born, they told us you had a cleft lip. They told us to prepare ourselves for how you would look. That was nonsense, Colton. You could've been born with 3 eyes, green hair and silly antennae on your head and you would have been the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. We prepared for your cleft lip, NOT for us, but for you. I am 100% certain that you will never understand just how handsome you were before you had your lip surgery. I worry that someday you will look back at pictures of yourself and you will be upset or embarrassed. Thus, it is my mission in life and as your mom to make sure you never feel that way. You were perfect then, and you are perfect now. I know that you will grow up to be a confident, self-assured young man and you will be able to appreciate and love both of your smiles, just the way I do.

Watching you go through surgery was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I never doubted for a minute that you would be well cared for during your surgery. I doubted that I would be able to make you comfortable. You were so tiny, just 3 months old, and it broke my heart knowing that you were going to be in pain and not understand why. So all I could do was hold you and tell you how much I love you. You were just 3 months old and you were tougher than I. Colton, your new smile is absolutely indescribable. It genuinely melts my heart to see you smile (and you do it a lot!) Knowing that you have another surgery coming up in the next few months gives me the same anxieties all over again, but together, we will be just fine. I know that it will improve your life dramatically and that's really all that matters.

You are a leader Colton. Someone to look up to and learn from. I believe there is some truth to the things people say about birth order...you are the first born, the the oldest, the 'big brother .' You have shown your brother and sister the way several times even in 8 short months. You were the first to roll over and the first to sit up. I have my money on a guess that says you'll be the first to crawl and walk too...everything you do excites me. Every day you show me a new trick, a new favorite toy, a new sound, and every day is more exciting than the one before it...

There is a fierce intensity about you, Colton. No doubt you will someday become an engineer or something else quite brilliant. They way you play with the toys on your exersaucer or from your toy basket, you would think you were biologist studying the most miniscule life forms under a microscope. You study and you touch, you twist, you turn, you rotate, etc. You are a very independent baby and would be content to play by yourself for hours...watching you learn new things is one of the best parts of my job.

The other best part is ALL the other parts! You are an outstanding sleeper. The best of the three of you, by far. Every night I watch you fall asleep in the living room, and if I'm lucky, I get to be the one to bring you up to your crib. If I am, I lay you down on your back and you usually roll over and curl up on your side. I cover you with your blanket, kiss you on the cheek or forehead, whisper my good nights to you and then watch you drift away in the most peaceful sleep i've ever seen...In the morning, when I hear you start to talk, I find my way into your room, peek my head over your crib and just wait....wait to cash in on the biggest smile I've ever seen. Starting my day with you is what makes my life so wonderful. You are good for my heart.

But it must be said. Colton, you can be a very messy little man! You drool, drool, drool! And we wipe, wipe, wipe that little chin constantly. When you eat solid food in your highchair, you do more "fingerpainting" with peas and sweet potatoes than you actually eat! After each spoonful of food, you like to put your whole hand in your mouth and eat the food off your fingers! Let's just say, it was no mistake that mommy and daddy put bath time right after solid food time!

There's so much I want to say to you, Colton, and not enough space in all the internet to say it...I am in awe of you, I am in love with you. You and I had a special bond from the very beginning. I am fiercely protective when it comes to you. There are so many things I want for you in this lifetime. But most importantly, I want you to wake up each new day with a new reason to smile. I am so proud you are my son. My perfect son. For such a little thing, you've taught us all such important lessons about love, acceptance and courage. I know that you will continue to enrich every person you meet. You amaze me, you impress me and most importantly, you love me back. You will always be my first born child and I will always cherish that for one minute of our lives, it was just you and me. My cup runneth over, my little squishy boy.

Love Always,

Mommy