29 Thankful-isms

Okay, so my friend Nicole is either equally ambitious or equally crazy. I'll go with ambitious. She is the reason I am even attempting this 30 blogs in 30 days thing...So anyway, I worked today, and this was one of those days where I was literally busy the whole day, which left me very little time to think of the theme for today's blog! Well fortunately, when I got home I looked to see what she had done on her blog 'A New Normal'. What I found was a list of 29 things she is thankful for, (inspired by our other friend Jen, who recently bought a book entitled, "29 gifts in 29 Days" and has been challenging all of us to think of 29 things WE are thankful for). Well anyway, at the end of Nicole's blog, she tagged me to do the same thing! It's like a challenge! How can I not accept? But since this blog is about how our babies changed our lives, I will try to keep all my 29 thankful-isms to being about that!

I am thankful...

1. For friends and family who gave me strength and hope during the many years we could not get pregnant.

2. For my husband who never faltered in his love for me even when I wasn't sure I would ever be able to give him kids of our own.

3. That I was born with a sense of humor and the ability to deal with disappointment and heartache and still go on.

4. For modern medical advancements that make InVitro Fertilization possible.

5. For my family who helped make it possible for us to do InVitro.

6. That Dr.Gelety and Marta are as skilled at their jobs as they are and were able to make our dreams a reality.

7. For the three heartbeats on that ultrasound monitor back in October, 2008.

8. That motherly intuition and fierce love for my 3 unborn children defeated the fear of the "what ifs".

9. That Dr. Maciulla was as off-kilter as he was the first time we met him! (That's why we stayed with him!)

10. For Casey, our ultrasound tech who found Colton's cleft lip and Hunter's Girlness!

11. For everyone I know and don't know who prayed for us and our babies throughout the pregnancy.

12. For my Cottonwood and kindergarten friends (and sister) Mary, Charlotte, Maggie, Michelle, Dawn, Chris, Renae and Patti who loved these babies enough to make sure I drank water, ate healthy food, and stayed off my feet as much as possible while I was pregnant and teaching.

13. For this blog and all our readers. Your excitement about this pregnancy and now, these babies, makes writing about it worth all the time in the world.

14. For my friends Anabelle, Jen B., Nicole, Sarah, Jen C. and Leigh who gave me encouragement, advice, wrote poems for the babies, brought me food, loaned me maternity clothes, gave me Breathe Right Nose Strips, etc. during my pregnancy!

15. For everyone out there who gave me or our babies ANYTHING...whether it was books, diapers, wipes, hangers, blankets, money, formula, hand painted picture frames, cribs, crib bedding, clothes, diaper creme, swings, etc. You are ALL appreciated much more than you will ever know.

16. For everyone involved in the safe delivery of our babies

17. For the NICU & Pediatric Doctors and Nurses for the excellent care they gave our babies....especially Lori, Nadine, Carrie, Laurel, and Jean,Erika, Dache, Daria, Laura, and Amy.

18. For my mom, dad and sister who took turns visiting Colton in the NICU when he was the only one left and I couldn't be there with him.

19. For the way Dr. Hurst changed Colton's life, and gave him a smile that melts hearts and for my friend Tony, (Dr. Lucas) the anesthesiologist, who watched over Colton during his surgery as well as gave him exceptional care.

20. That someone invented a bottle my first born son could eat from, even with a cleft lip and palate.

21. For kids like Nathan and Alec Ball and Gavin Kampelman for treating Colton so normally before and after his surgery. They give me renewed faith in the youth of the world and are an example I hope my kids will follow someday. They exemplify unconditional acceptance.

22. For Brian's family and the love they have for their grandbabies and niece and nephews, even though they do not get to see them as often as they'd like.

23. That my 99 year old Gramma is still alive and gets to hold and feed my babies and for their 3 other Great Grandparents whom they love just as much, even from afar.

24. For the way Colton laughs hysterically when I play Peek-a-Boo and holds on tight when I hug him.

25. For the tiny, fiesty, funny, loud, little pink bundle that is my daughter, Hunter.

26. For my goofy, loveable baby boy, Ethan and the way he chuckles uncontrollably and sticks out his tongue and blows raspberries all day.

27. For my mom and her friends Rosey, Diane, Gerri, JoAn, and Meredith who take care of and help feed my babies when I have to go to work.

28. For the three beats of my heart who will someday call me "mom" & the bigger one who calls me his wife. :)

29. For my life.

(That felt an awful lot like my acceptance speech at the Oscar's might sound...), but, it completes day 5 of Nablopomo...woo hoo! Only 25 left!)

Life

So the babies are adorably snuggled in their cribs wearing footie pajamas to keep them warm, though a "coo" here and there tells me that Ethan is not yet entirely asleep. Poor guy. He's either beginning the painful milestone of getting his first "teef" or he's getting a cold...either way, he's not asleep. Hunter however, IS asleep and assuming her standard, (albeit, relatively new) 'Hunter pose'-hands behind her head. Colton is also alseep, in what I have decided is about the cutest position I've seen. He gets himself all curled up and sleeps on his side. Looking at him this way makes me imagine that he once found that same position comfy in my belly. I love these babies.

After we put them to bed, I got on my computer to check my email and somehow I found myself an hour later completely engrossed in another blog I randomly stumbled upon. It's about another young couple, much like ourselves, who found themselves the recent parents of triplets! In fact, our babies are only 3 months older than theirs. Only there were a few differences....First, they had 2 girls and a boy, we have 2 boys and a girl. Second, one of their babies died.

Kinda gets you in the gut doesn't it? It's weird to cry for people you don't even know, but there I sat, crying. And I mean, blurry screen crying. Not just teary-eyed. Having been through what they had been through up until that dreadful night that they lost their baby girl, I just feel for them. The way they talk about all their babies, making sure to give equal time and comments to each one. The way they describe the NICU, as anything but a sterile, yucky hospital environment, but rather a place where the nurses become your second family and love your babies almost as much as you do...it's even eerie to look at pictures of their babies, who, with CPAP masks, wires and leads on look an awful lot like our babies.

But they only got to bring 2 of their babies home. (you can click to link to their blog) That thought pains me more than you could know. My back hurts tonight, my feet even more. I am tired. But despite all that, I did not complain about it today. I did not give my babies any less of my attention or love today just because I was annoyed that Ethan wouldn't stop crying, or that Hunter spit up all over herself the minute I took off her bib, or that Colton did not want to finish his bottle. I'm so glad I didn't complain today. I'll bet those other parents would give anything for their precious daughter to spit up all over her pretty, new outfit.

Not having one of them around is absolutely inconceivable to us, though surprisingly we talk about it fairly often. Unlike this family who lost a baby after she was born, we were faced with losing a baby before it was born. If you are, or were pregnant with higher order multiples, I'm sure you were also encouraged down this path...Fertility treatments are a wonderful thing. Science is amazing. Particularly the process of creating embryos and getting them situated in a mom's belly to grow for as many months as they possibly can. But it's also a lot like Vegas. It's a gamble. You really can never know exactly what you're going to get. After 4 failed In Vitro attempts, I can promise you that NO ONE expected me to get pregnant with triplets on our last ditch effort. Pretty exciting until you're told "you can't carry all 3."

That's what I was told. Not because anyone was trying to be mean to us, or rain on our parade, but statistically, I suppose I shouldn't have been able to. They're right. I'm only 5 feet 2 inches tall and before I got pregnant weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 pounds. So I see what they were saying. But telling me I can't have all 3 of my babies is a lot like telling a kindergartner he cannot have the cupcake that is sitting right in front of him.

But that moment began what became perhaps the most stressful 12 weeks of my life. The recommendation was to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to twins. "Reduce the pregnancy." Sounds so official doesn't it? But what they were really asking me, a brand new mother to do, was get rid of one of my babies. Multifetal Reduction is a very controversial topic. Trust me. I know. Which is why I really never wrote in depth about it. Until now. I got more advice and opinions from people far and wide about what I should and shouldn't do. Deep down, I don't think there was ever a moment that I thought I would actually reduce the pregnancy, but in my typical, non-confrontational way, I'm sure I agreed with many, who like the numerous doctors, saw the value and the safety in doing so. What I had to remember though, was that it made absolutely no difference what everyone else thought or felt. It was our decision. Our life to live. Our babies.

We took a gamble, and got three little heartbeats flickering on that screen. Those were MY little heartbeats...real live babies no bigger than a flea. Week after week, we made the dreaded drive to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to check and see if any of the heartbeats had gone away.

Let me tell you what a warped world it is when you find yourself hoping that if you in fact, aren't going to have 3 babies, it will be because one of them simply wasn't strong enough to make it to the next week- and NOT because YOU, the parents, had to make the decision to get rid of one of them. In other words, you find yourself almost hoping that one of those ultrasounds will in fact only show 2 heartbeats one day so that the pressure to choose which baby to get rid of will no longer fall on your shoulders. Twisted, isn't it?

But notice I said, "almost. " Because what I wish I'd just had the courage to do all along, (because it WAS what I wanted to do all along) was just say no. Because that IS your choice. Those were my babies. The ones I had tried so desperately to have for so many years, and I would NOT get rid of one. Regardless of the opinions of everyone around me, I had the unique perspective of being those babies' mother. I was willing to take whatever risks came my way...While it was close, it wasn't quite as easy a decision for Brian...not because he didn't want all three babies, but because the doctors were constantly bringing up the possibility of losing me as well as the babies in this pregnancy. And that was not something Brian was necessarily willing to do. I don't blame him for that.


But I'll never forget the moment he and I officially made the decision NOT to fly to Los Angeles to stop one of those beating hearts, ending what would have been far too short a life. We were sitting in the parking lot of Babies R Us down by Tucson Mall. I was crying uncontrollably, saying "I don't care what happens. I don't care if one of them has a learning disability. I want to keep all three." And just like that, he looked at me and said, "Then let's go in there and look for things in threes." I'll never forget that moment. It put an end to 12 weeks of the worst stress I have ever felt. We were united in our decision and look what we have now. If you have been down this road, and chose the other path, I do not judge you for a minute. I understand the anguish. This is simply our story. And reading about the pain a young couple felt as they buried their tiny daughter in a pink casket at only 8 weeks old, encouraged me to stop and reflect on the fact that my 3 children made it. They beat the odds.

So I often try to imagine, though only very briefly, what our lives would be like without our petite, princess Hunter who can scream at a pitch that rivals the best opera singers. Or the joy I have gotten from Colton's old and new smiles and the recent "rooster crowing" sound he's learned to make. All. Day. Long. Or the millions of times in 5 months I've smiled watching Ethan laugh and stick out his tongue. It wouldn't be our life without all three.

Which takes me back to where I started. That poor couple who now only get to snuggle two of their babies, but love the third one, who never came home, just the same... My heart aches for them. And I am reminded that life is short. It's what you make of it. Do not take your children for granted. Love them a little more, complain a little less. Enjoy them for everything they are and aren't. If for no other reason, do so for all those parents who never got to bring their babies home. I know I will.

Mom and Hunter

Mom and Ethan
Mom and Colton

Grateful

Oh my gosh...sometimes there are days that are just exhausting. Today was one of them! Babies were not feeling themselves today...tummies unsettled, pacifiers not staying put in mouths, spitting up, crying, fussing, not happy with anyone and yet, still as adorable as ever. It is frustrating to have a cranky baby and it's even more frustrating to have three cranky babies. :) But as much as my anxiety level wants to rise, I seriously just look at their faces and am immediately at ease. They are so tiny, so helpless and so loving. It's my job to make them feel better, so all the crankiness doesn't matter. I am their mom. They are my babies. I waited for them for a very long time. So tonight, I'm going to sleep exhausted, achy and absolutely grateful for these three cranky little people sleeping peacefully in the room next door.... It couldn't be more worth it.

Not Enough Thanks...

This is Lori....read on to find out why we LOVE her!

I realize this post will be sort of backward...I should have put it at the end after you read the other entries....so do me a favor, read it now and then read it again after the post where Colton comes home....it's worth it.


This process of trying to get pregnant the past 4 years has taught Brian and I a lot about ourselves. We found strength we never knew we had. We learned patience like we never knew possible. We realized that the end was never in our hands to begin with. There were reasons things happened the way they did. It just took a little time to understand and accept that.

Is it a miracle that I was able to carry three babies to 33 weeks? Some would say so! Is it a miracle that all three babies are healthy and happy? Perhaps...

But I now firmly believe that on this journey of ours, things happened for a reason. Certain people were put on our path for a reason. And I want to acknowledge one of those people. She might hate me for doing this publicly, but to our family, she is a reminder that good people truly do exist in this world. Her name is Lori D. (I'll at least leave her last name out of it!) I came to know her first through school. My sister Mary taught both of her sons for several years so I'd see her at school often.

It was not until I was in the final weeks of being pregnant that we realized Lori was a NICU nurse at UMC. I was so excited that someone I knew might be there to keep an eye on our babies. Little did I know how true that would be...

When our babies were finally born and sent to the NICU, they were assigned several nurses. Not long after, however, we were approached with the concept of "Primary Nursing" which basically meant that certain nurses signed up to always care for the Bunch Babies whenever they were on duty. This meant consistency for us, which we like! Well, Lori was the babies' first Primary Nurse.

As nurses go, she is top notch. There was never any doubt that when Lori was on duty, our babies were being well cared for. All their basic needs were being taken care of....diapers, meds, food pumps, etc. But she also genuinely seemed to like our babies....I know that Brian and I learned a TON from Lori about how to care for newborn babies...seriously, how to diaper them correctly, how to swaddle them, feed them, bathe them (as the picture below illustrates! and which could frankly become another blog in itself.) Let's just say, I almost Baptized Colton here in this picture. Thank God Lori was there! :)

Furthermore, because Colton has a cleft lip and palate, Lori knew he was going to need extra time learning how to eat from his bottle and she was always willing to help him really try, as opposed to simply taking the easy way out and putting his food into his NG tube.

But aside from the very technical nursing duties, which she would simply say, "is her job", Lori went above and beyond for us in other ways! Having babies in the NICU can be stressful and it can be sad to have to leave your kids behind every night. It was Lori who twice arranged for and allowed us to do "photo shoots" where we could actually put all three babies together. It seems like such a simple thing to do, but it meant the world to us. We were left with pictures that can only happen once in our babies' lifetime and we cherish those pictures now. (Especially the Easter Bunny ears.)

Not only did she arrange for US to take pictures of our babies, she also secretly took her own photos of our babies to make us an Easter gift. She bought a very cute Stuffed Easter Bunny, a basket, a photo album and even a cute dress for Hunter. She is the one who took those adorable photos of each baby snuggling the Easter Bunny! She made us a photo album, and even made handprints of each baby for us to have as keepsakes...

However, even more than any of that, Lori would become absolutely instrumental in our babies' lives...Colton, in particular. As most of you already know, or will know after you read the next 4 blogs, Ethan and Hunter came home when they were 3 weeks old. Colton did not. He was given the added challenge of learning to feed from a very tricky bottle on top of having a cleft lip and palate. It was because of this that he was not able to go home with his brother and sister.

Lori knew how difficult this was for us. Ok, me in particular. Wherever he got moved to in the NICU, she went to visit him. The day after he got moved down to the 3rd floor, we found her visiting Colton there and checking in on him...She even stayed 2 hours past the end of her night shift to be there to feed Colton at 9 the next morning, in case Brian and I were unable to make it. She genuinely wanted to make sure he was given yet another opportunity to prove that he could eat from a bottle. She knew that this was going to be his ticket home.

Well, Lori also knew that Brian and I had two other new babies at home now, making it even more difficult to spend as much time as we would have liked with Colton, helping him learn to eat. So where ever we could not be, Lori was there. The greatest testament to Lori's character came Sunday night. She asked if I would mind if she came to feed Colton on the 3rd floor for his midnight, 3 am, and 6 am feedings, in hopes that he'd then be able to go home Monday. So I of course, told her I'd be so touched if she did that. However, I thought she was WORKING Sunday night and was simply going to "run" down to the 3rd floor for a few minutes to feed him and then get back upstairs to the NICU.

So Sunday night came, and like we'd discussed, Brian and I were there to feed Mr. Colton at 9pm. Well, right at about 10:30, in walks Lori, bag in hand, and no scrubs on....No scrubs? Isn't she usually wearing scrubs when she works? The answer to that is yes. She does. But tonight, she wasn't working, like I thought. It was her day off and she had decided to come spend the night in Colton's room on a fold out chair recliner, so that she would be absolutely certain he got to feed with his bottle and that he ate enough to be considered for discharge the next day. Who does that?

She is a nurse. Taking care of babies is her job. Taking care of my baby on her day off is not her job. But she did it because she truly cares about Colton and knew how much I wanted him home for my birthday on Thursday. Lori, if you are reading this, you know there are not many people who would do that. You are my babies' guardian angel. Thank you for loving them and for caring for them. You really are a reminder that there are good people in this world. Before this, I would have thought you were simply a wonderful mother to two sons who happened to attend the school where I teach. But now I know you were put in our lives for a more important reason that would take us a few years to realize. Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.



**Thanks to Lori, Colton did in fact get to come home the next day....Now do you see why we love her??