Random ramblings from an infertile mother of triplets :)

This post will surely feel as if it came out of the blue. (You might even think I wrote it while consuming my favorite red beverage, but I didn't.) The babies are asleep, and though there are a thousand things "out of place" in my house that surely could use some attention, instead, I am doing one of the things I love most...blog hopping. I start at one of my favorites, then click to a blog that THAT person loves, and on an on. So tonight I happened to be on the "infertility blog" circuit.

I know what you're thinking. Ami, you have triplets. Surely you are not infertile. And while that may be true now... for many years I was. And it was the worst. If you've never been there, you have no idea. I just read the most eloquently written "RULES" a young woman wrote about what NOT to say to someone who is having trouble getting pregnant. It was as if she had taken thoughts right out of my head and put them onto her blog....Curious to hear a few (summarized in MY words?)

Do not suggest that I need to just "relax."

Do not suggest that I "just adopt". (Since when did adoption become 'just' something to do anyway? 'Just' belongs in front of phrases like, "Why don't you just paint your nails red instead of pink." Adoption is much more important than that...

Do not offer to loan me your husband's sperm.

Do not offer to 'give' me any of your children.

Do not try to make me feel 'lucky' to be childless by pointing out that ' you have 3 crazy kids to contend with because you get pregnant when your husband merely looks at you.'

Do not tell me this was meant to be. You are not God. Don't pretend to be.

Heaven forbid, if I should be blessed with a pregnancy and then stunned with a miscarriage, do not utter any of the following things to me:

- "There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway."

-"Maybe this was a sign."

-"At least you were only ___ weeks along."

-"You'll get pregnant again. There are other fish in the sea."

Anyway, I could go on and on...My point is, being infertile is something I am so thankful to have gotten beyond, but also something I am so thankful to have gone through. (Yeah, I pretty much never thought those words would leave my mouth.) Those years shaped me, readied me, prepared me for the day I would welcome perfect triplets into this world. I do believe I am less stressed about raising 3 babies because I am just so thankful that I am no longer crying into my pillow at night wondering why pot smoking teenage girls get pregnant and I can't.

Furthermore, and this is actually what prompted this post- let's just talk about triplets for a moment. I will never, ever forget the day I went for that ultrasound. I already knew I was pregnant, but hadn't seen any heartbeat yet. (Rewind to the pregnancy before in which I ALSO knew I was pregnant, but was saddened to learn shortly thereafter that there was no beating heart.) So you can imagine that it was with great trepidation that we went into the doctor's office that day to hopefully see that blinking sign of life flashing on the screen. And the fact that the phone calls I made that day went something like.... "They didn't see a heartbeat. (pause...wait for the devastated silence)....THEY SAW THREE!" still makes me smile.

But here's my beef. Again. The words, "You're pregnant with triplets" should never, ever be followed in the same breath, with the words, "But we can't let you carry all three."

And yet, they were.

I was reminded of my fury that day when I came across a blog in which the couple's Dr. was trying to help them decide how many embryos to implant in their IVF cycle. The doctor told them that he WOULD implant three if they wanted. Then he asked them if they'd be willing to reduce the pregnancy to twins if they should get pregnant with triplets. The couple said 'no.' And so, the doctor said that he would not, then, implant three. Just two. As if triplets are so bad.

And that, my friends, is what prompted this entry. :)

Trust me, I see the Doctors' rationale. I do. (And I'm actually glad that the above mentioned doctor preempted the stress I went through for THAT couple, by not allowing it to happen in the first place. ) But many doctors DO implant more than 2 embryos and thus, many couples pregnant with triplets are barraged with all of the following statements:

There are loads of complications that come with carrying triplets. (Though I had none.)

There are all kinds of health problems the babies could have. (Yet, my triplets are perfect.) And interestingly, I know quite a few sets of triplets who are ALL healthy and normal.

You aren't big enough to carry three babies. (Except that I am 5'2", 100 pounds & did just fine.)

You may lose one or all of the babies. (Interestingly, I lost none.)

You will be on bedrest and unable to work. (Pretty sure I was not on bedrest for even 1 minute.)

Now, I know that all of these things DO happen. Obviously. Or doctors would not be so adamant about pushing reduction on pregnant women with more than 2 beating hearts inside them.

And yet, I still get so mad when I recall how I felt (how many of us felt) when we were given the suggestion that we should 'reduce' the pregnancy, so lightly, on a day that I had waited for, hoped for, cried for, for years. The happiest day of my life. The happiest day of my life you tell me you can't 'let' me keep all of my babies? That I will have to reduce the pregnancy to twins??

Reduce is something you do to fractions. Not to my 3 babies with beating hearts. I don't judge others who have chosen this path. That was for them to decide. For me, it simply was not an option.

It just irks me that 'triplets' are a bad thing in the medical world.

My life is perfect because of my three babies. (okay, okay....they might be technically be toddlers now...)

And I just felt like saying that. If you are pregnant with triplets. Be positive. Stay off the internet....You are in for the ride of your life. And if you can manage to always look for the rainbow through the rain, then you will rock mommy-hood!

Colton, Hunter and Ethan, here's to you! This mama's world would not be the same without any one of you. You are my forever rainbows on the rainiest of days. :) I love you, my toddler babies!

Life

So the babies are adorably snuggled in their cribs wearing footie pajamas to keep them warm, though a "coo" here and there tells me that Ethan is not yet entirely asleep. Poor guy. He's either beginning the painful milestone of getting his first "teef" or he's getting a cold...either way, he's not asleep. Hunter however, IS asleep and assuming her standard, (albeit, relatively new) 'Hunter pose'-hands behind her head. Colton is also alseep, in what I have decided is about the cutest position I've seen. He gets himself all curled up and sleeps on his side. Looking at him this way makes me imagine that he once found that same position comfy in my belly. I love these babies.

After we put them to bed, I got on my computer to check my email and somehow I found myself an hour later completely engrossed in another blog I randomly stumbled upon. It's about another young couple, much like ourselves, who found themselves the recent parents of triplets! In fact, our babies are only 3 months older than theirs. Only there were a few differences....First, they had 2 girls and a boy, we have 2 boys and a girl. Second, one of their babies died.

Kinda gets you in the gut doesn't it? It's weird to cry for people you don't even know, but there I sat, crying. And I mean, blurry screen crying. Not just teary-eyed. Having been through what they had been through up until that dreadful night that they lost their baby girl, I just feel for them. The way they talk about all their babies, making sure to give equal time and comments to each one. The way they describe the NICU, as anything but a sterile, yucky hospital environment, but rather a place where the nurses become your second family and love your babies almost as much as you do...it's even eerie to look at pictures of their babies, who, with CPAP masks, wires and leads on look an awful lot like our babies.

But they only got to bring 2 of their babies home. (you can click to link to their blog) That thought pains me more than you could know. My back hurts tonight, my feet even more. I am tired. But despite all that, I did not complain about it today. I did not give my babies any less of my attention or love today just because I was annoyed that Ethan wouldn't stop crying, or that Hunter spit up all over herself the minute I took off her bib, or that Colton did not want to finish his bottle. I'm so glad I didn't complain today. I'll bet those other parents would give anything for their precious daughter to spit up all over her pretty, new outfit.

Not having one of them around is absolutely inconceivable to us, though surprisingly we talk about it fairly often. Unlike this family who lost a baby after she was born, we were faced with losing a baby before it was born. If you are, or were pregnant with higher order multiples, I'm sure you were also encouraged down this path...Fertility treatments are a wonderful thing. Science is amazing. Particularly the process of creating embryos and getting them situated in a mom's belly to grow for as many months as they possibly can. But it's also a lot like Vegas. It's a gamble. You really can never know exactly what you're going to get. After 4 failed In Vitro attempts, I can promise you that NO ONE expected me to get pregnant with triplets on our last ditch effort. Pretty exciting until you're told "you can't carry all 3."

That's what I was told. Not because anyone was trying to be mean to us, or rain on our parade, but statistically, I suppose I shouldn't have been able to. They're right. I'm only 5 feet 2 inches tall and before I got pregnant weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 pounds. So I see what they were saying. But telling me I can't have all 3 of my babies is a lot like telling a kindergartner he cannot have the cupcake that is sitting right in front of him.

But that moment began what became perhaps the most stressful 12 weeks of my life. The recommendation was to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to twins. "Reduce the pregnancy." Sounds so official doesn't it? But what they were really asking me, a brand new mother to do, was get rid of one of my babies. Multifetal Reduction is a very controversial topic. Trust me. I know. Which is why I really never wrote in depth about it. Until now. I got more advice and opinions from people far and wide about what I should and shouldn't do. Deep down, I don't think there was ever a moment that I thought I would actually reduce the pregnancy, but in my typical, non-confrontational way, I'm sure I agreed with many, who like the numerous doctors, saw the value and the safety in doing so. What I had to remember though, was that it made absolutely no difference what everyone else thought or felt. It was our decision. Our life to live. Our babies.

We took a gamble, and got three little heartbeats flickering on that screen. Those were MY little heartbeats...real live babies no bigger than a flea. Week after week, we made the dreaded drive to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to check and see if any of the heartbeats had gone away.

Let me tell you what a warped world it is when you find yourself hoping that if you in fact, aren't going to have 3 babies, it will be because one of them simply wasn't strong enough to make it to the next week- and NOT because YOU, the parents, had to make the decision to get rid of one of them. In other words, you find yourself almost hoping that one of those ultrasounds will in fact only show 2 heartbeats one day so that the pressure to choose which baby to get rid of will no longer fall on your shoulders. Twisted, isn't it?

But notice I said, "almost. " Because what I wish I'd just had the courage to do all along, (because it WAS what I wanted to do all along) was just say no. Because that IS your choice. Those were my babies. The ones I had tried so desperately to have for so many years, and I would NOT get rid of one. Regardless of the opinions of everyone around me, I had the unique perspective of being those babies' mother. I was willing to take whatever risks came my way...While it was close, it wasn't quite as easy a decision for Brian...not because he didn't want all three babies, but because the doctors were constantly bringing up the possibility of losing me as well as the babies in this pregnancy. And that was not something Brian was necessarily willing to do. I don't blame him for that.


But I'll never forget the moment he and I officially made the decision NOT to fly to Los Angeles to stop one of those beating hearts, ending what would have been far too short a life. We were sitting in the parking lot of Babies R Us down by Tucson Mall. I was crying uncontrollably, saying "I don't care what happens. I don't care if one of them has a learning disability. I want to keep all three." And just like that, he looked at me and said, "Then let's go in there and look for things in threes." I'll never forget that moment. It put an end to 12 weeks of the worst stress I have ever felt. We were united in our decision and look what we have now. If you have been down this road, and chose the other path, I do not judge you for a minute. I understand the anguish. This is simply our story. And reading about the pain a young couple felt as they buried their tiny daughter in a pink casket at only 8 weeks old, encouraged me to stop and reflect on the fact that my 3 children made it. They beat the odds.

So I often try to imagine, though only very briefly, what our lives would be like without our petite, princess Hunter who can scream at a pitch that rivals the best opera singers. Or the joy I have gotten from Colton's old and new smiles and the recent "rooster crowing" sound he's learned to make. All. Day. Long. Or the millions of times in 5 months I've smiled watching Ethan laugh and stick out his tongue. It wouldn't be our life without all three.

Which takes me back to where I started. That poor couple who now only get to snuggle two of their babies, but love the third one, who never came home, just the same... My heart aches for them. And I am reminded that life is short. It's what you make of it. Do not take your children for granted. Love them a little more, complain a little less. Enjoy them for everything they are and aren't. If for no other reason, do so for all those parents who never got to bring their babies home. I know I will.

Mom and Hunter

Mom and Ethan
Mom and Colton

Almost Graduation....

11 WEEKS, 1 DAY old

This is Baby C. He is lying on his back, looking up. His head is on the left and his little body goes over the the right. You can maybe see a little right hand near the head....

This is Baby B. (below) He is looking down. His head appears on the left side and his little body is over on the right with his little legs curled up in the"fetal position." Ahhh... seems so appropriate now!
This is Baby A. (below) He is looking down also, but his head is on the right side and his body is over to the left. Could be a little hand there near the face...This is how he landed after a few twirls... :)
And now, my weekly saga.....

Ok, so as the nurse as the doctor's office puts it, I'm SO close to graduating! At a fertility clinic, (or is it an IN-fertility clinic?) graduation is roughly 12 weeks! Completion of the first trimester! Woo hoo! In my excitement and pride I can't help but wonder if I'll get a diploma? Or three? Will I miss coming in for weekly ultrasounds? Will I miss handing over my arm every week so that my favorite nurse can ever so lovingly take my blood? Will I miss the fact that when I go to their office, I really think I'm their favorite patient because they all know us by name? (Really, that just means we had a VERY hard time getting pregnant, but let me roll with it...) Either way, graduation is near, and right now I'm think I'm going to graduate with honors!



Today, Brian and I once again saw three tiny acrobats...er, babies. I'm trying to decide what it is I eat in the day that makes them so wiggly! Maybe there is something to this whole "health food" kick everybody talks about....sheesh. Who knew? Now, just so we're clear, when I refer to these little critters, I will refer to them as 'he'. That does not mean they are all 'he'. We just don't know yet, and I don't feel it's very motherly to refer to my tiny babies as "he-shes" . So there they are: A- who was so excited to see us that he was sort of doing flips! And then B...in a slightly more precarious position but still extremely photogenic. And little C. (Who is not really little C anymore) was squirming away. I think maybe he just feels sad that he always gets his picture taken last. Ah, sibling rivalry...But there they are. Ready to graduate themselves. All 42 mm and looking good!

But, we're never without torment and conflict in our lives...and so here it is. Sadly, the bigger they get, the more threat they cause to eachother. Unfortunately, my uterus is not huge. ("Beautiful" maybe, right Charlotte?, but not huge.) And that is not a warm, cozy environment for 3 babies. Sure it's fine when they're the size of small limes, but not as cozy when they grow into small kittens. So, the stress has not left us yet and likely will not ever.



Either way, they are the cutest little babies I have ever seen...and I'll be honest, when I leave the exam room and go up front to make my appt. for the following week, I can't help but "accidentally-on purpose" wave my 3 pictures around for all the others in the waiting room to see. I'm really not trying to flaunt it...(ok, maybe I am a little) but hey-I did my time in that waiting room too. I got so good at being an "infertility" patient that I could tell what every patient was doing just by the bag, or the box or the calendar they walked out of the exam rooms with. I knew what drugs they were taking and I knew why! I knew what it meant when they had to schedule their appointments a week, 2 days or 2 weeks out...And I was SO jealous when I saw women with their doting husbands in tow, coming back into the waiting room, all smiles, "accidentally-on purpose" flaunting THEIR newest baby pictures!... So by golly, it's our turn! We earned those babies and we want the world to see them!



And now, for the silver lining!!! My shots have decreased dosage!! I still have to have one every day, (BOOooo) but we're down to only a half of a 'cc' of Progesterone now! Yay! For all my shot-givers, (Brian, Auntie Val, Anabelle, and my mom who practices all the time with a syringe and whatever piece of fruit is nearby in case she's ever called to duty) that is a HUGE victory! Because as you'll see in the next set of pictures, there is so much buildup and scar tissue and progesterone in my 'cheeks' that actually pushing in the plunger on the syringe has gotten so difficult, you'd think there was super glue on the tip of it, preventing it from actually leaving the syringe!! So now there's half as much to TRY and inject! Yay! Cel-e-bra-tion time! Come on!