My heart hurts

I used to have so much to say.

Triplets, Preemies, NICUs, Cranial Bands, Cleft Lips, Cleft Palates….Yep, once upon a time this blog was a stepping stone for others walking our same path in life; a stepping stone for others facing the same challenges. It almost feels strange that the days of shelling out my "learned wisdom" about these topics have come and gone. It's like we've reached an age and a place in life where we're just….normal.

There's a lot of happy in that, I suppose. It IS sort of freeing not to be an 'expert' on these things anymore, because I HAVE actually forgotten how to efficiently fill 18 bottles a day or how the valves and pieces fit in Colton's Habermann Bottle. And I literally don't remember how often I washed their helmets. I don't. 

You might even say I've become complacent with this 'uneventful' life of mine.

Until tonight.

Tonight I was painfully reminded that our story is not over…and that my job as a mother will forever be a million times harder than teaching could ever be. 

I have 3 kids. They grew together, were born together, and are raised together. They are triplets and there's a lot of 'sameness' that goes with that.

But the reality is that one is different. (Yes, my intellectual self knows and appreciates that  they are ALL different, but one feels it a little more than the others.) He feels it in ways they can't yet comprehend. And I would literally take back every insecurity and every flaw I've ever had about myself (and there are a lot) to take this away from my Colton.

We were just sitting around the dinner table having homemade banana splits, partaking in our usual line of "how was your day" questioning. It begins with whoever thinks to ask first; tonight that was Ethan.

"Hunter, how was your day?" 

"And what was your favorite part?" 

"And what was your worst part?"

She, in turn, asks Colton the same questions.

If we're keeping track, he had a good day. His favorite part was painting birdhouses and eating ice cream. And if I'm being honest, he had a hard time thinking of a worst part.

But before he moved on, he very abruptly lifted up his upper lip, exposing his top teeth. Ever so innocently, he asks, "Mom, do my teeth still look funny? Are they still crooked?"

Trying not to appear flustered, I very 'breezily' said, "Well let me see. Um, yep. They're still a little bit crooked, but they still look really good to me. Why?"

"Because 'B' {his best friend} makes fun of my teeth sometimes. He says they look funny."

And just like that- it happened. He realized he's different.

If I were a superhero, my powers would be remaining calm and collected when all I want to do is fall apart.

I shot a look at Brian basically pleading in silence for him to say something because I wasn't sure I could, without crying. I needed a second to compose myself.

"Hey bud, your teeth are a little bit different right now, but pretty soon, they'll be all fixed up. Don't you worry about what other people say about them, okay? Everybody's a little bit different from each other and what's important is that you know how special and handsome you are." 

This bit of saving advice gave me enough time to well away the tears and interject my own wisdom.

"Colton, here's the thing. You're actually kind of a superhero, you know. You're only 5 years old and you've already had 3 surgeries! (I'm including his ear tubes) What other kid can say that? 'B' can't say that! Nobody I know is as tough as you are. When you were born, you had a hole in the roof of your mouth and Dr. Hurst fixed you all up! He fixed your lip and your palate (brief intermission here to explain what his palate is) and pretty soon, he's going to fix your teeth too!"  {And breathe….}

"But why was I born with a hole in my mouth?" (Said in a tone that showed more concern with the why HIM part than the hole in the mouth part.)

Again. time felt as if it had slowed almost to a stop. His eyes and his little self were waiting for an answer. And I wasn't sure I had a good one.

"Buddy, I don't know why. Maybe because God knew you were tough enough and brave enough to  handle it. 

Not entirely sure he was convinced, he at least allowed Brian and I to sprinkle our hopeless bits of wisdom upon him and the other two. We went back and forth with all the things you're supposed to say when your kids are feeling hurt; all the things you tell kids about tolerance and acceptance and treating everyone with kindness even when they look different. We talked about how Hunter's eyes didn't work so well and she needed to have glasses, etc.

And in case you're wondering what his demeanor was this whole time, you could almost say he was  unphased. And yet, he was thinking about it. He thinks about it. Something in that moment made him ask about it.

But just like that, the game moved on.

Colton looked over at me and asked, "Mom, how was your day?" 

I smiled and said, "It was a good day." 

"What was your favorite part?" he asked next.  "Um, watching you play outside and having ice cream with you."

And I knew it was coming…..

"And what was your worst part?" he asked.

{what to say, what to say…}

"Right now." I said. "Hearing that you feel a little sad about your teeth hurts my heart." 

The game continued until everyone had had a turn and almost as abruptly as it began, they were asking to be excused from the table. I've never been so eager to let them leave. Brian sent them upstairs to get ready for bed and I just sat, my back to everyone.

And I cried. Silent,  guilty, hopeless tears. And Brian knew. He sat down beside me and said all the things you're supposed to say when your wife falls apart.

I can never shake the guilt that he's a triplet and yet, he's the only one who has to deal with this crap. I can never shake the guilt that perhaps something I did or didn't do during the pregnancy caused his cleft lip and palate. I can never shake the guilt that I can be there for him forever and I can fuddle my words left and right when he needs a pep talk, but I can never take it away. I can't take away the surgeries and the pain that are yet to come.

Amidst my sobs, Brian so eloquently reminded me that maybe I was looking at it from the wrong perspective; he reminded me that Colton is going to lead the way, that he's going to shape someone else. He's going to teach someone about tolerance; and through it all he'll have his brother and sister to have his back. Maybe THAT's why he's a triplet.

Sometimes I like it when he's right.

Colton,

My wish as your mother is that you will realize the strength you have. That you will be courageous enough to stand tall when you're feeling down or when you're feeling different. My hope is that you will continue to rise above it and that you'll be able to see the handsome young man we all see. That you will find comfort in knowing that you're never alone. You are my hero. And you have been for almost 6 years now. I love you bud.

Now THIS is love. 

[Side note- I wanted to add to this story that neither Colton nor any of us are upset with his friend, nor do I think his friend even meant it harshly. I am pretty confident the whole conversation was spurred more by a 5 year old's curiosity than intent to be mean. Kids are just honest. Sometimes too much. ]  :) 

Progress Reports

I love Preschool. And I love my preschoolers.

I love that I have 3 little people who are off somewhere, without me, learning about the world, exploring, playing, making mistakes and making even bigger discoveries.

I love that there is a place somewhere where my children have friends. (Friends who are not related to them.)  :)

I love that they have teachers to mold their little selves into tiny responsible humans who wash their hands, open their own lunches, share and grow up...

I mostly love that I HAVE three preschoolers.

I got to have my 2nd Parent Teacher Conference today.  :)  So different to be on THIS side of the table!

Here, a summary of the trio's current performance in preschool Nov. 2012, age 3.5, based on a few of the things they specifically assess/observe: (I realize this may not be as interesting to you, but keep in mind this is more or less my kids' baby books!)

SOCIAL/EMOTIONAL: 
COLTON:  Beginning to be independent with the bathroom, still needs help sometimes with soap and pulling up pants, separates well.
HUNTER: Good independence with bathroom and hand washing (A model student in this department!), beginning to play with others, beginning pretend play.  
ETHAN: Uses bathroom and washes hands, beginning to separate more easily, fewer tantrums :) (Starting to use more use words to ask for what he wants when he's frustrated.)

PHYSICAL:
COLTON: Working on balance (apparently fearful of the balance beam), Can catch and throw a ball, can ride bikes and 3 wheel scooter, Working on fine motor skills (using scissors and writing) 
HUNTER: Working on large motor balance (also afraid to walk the balance beam alone), Climbs and rides scooters and bikes, continuing to work on fine motor skills (scissors) 
ETHAN: Rides bikes and 3 wheel scooters, Climbs, Not interested in fine motor yet  :) 

COGNITIVE: 
COLTON: Knows shapes, can match like items, beginning to use pretend play (Doctor), can use the computer alone.
HUNTER: Knows shapes, colors, can match like items, can use computer, does 6 piece puzzles.
ETHAN: Plays the computer (surprise!) , knows shapes, can match like items, beginning pretend play

LANGUAGE:
COLTON: Beginning to sit for circle time, Speech: hard to say certain sounds, working on name recognition. 
HUNTER: Can sit and participate at circle time, enjoys story time, working on name recognition
ETHAN: Does not yet sit for circle time. Will sit in a chair, beginning to use language to get his needs met (vs. a tantrum), Working on name recognition. 

So cute...I love hearing about them at school...
They've come a long way since August.

(Again, thank you Meridy Twilling, of Simply Snapshots for the  photos! I just adore them) 

**Also, to the anonymous NYC commenter from the previous post....Great Question regarding Hunter's response to Colton's cleft lip... (and best of luck to you in your journey..)

When we first started looking at old blogs together quite some time ago, she did in fact notice Colton's cleft lip. We happened to be looking at the pictures of his lip surgery and she was immediately curious and couldn't look away. Her first time looking at it, she looked kind of nervous or upset. Noting this, I pointed it out to her in very non-threatening way....something like, "Do you see Colton's lip? It looks different doesn't it? It's called a cleft lip. He was born with it, but it didn't hurt him. It just looks different. But he's still our Colton and doesn't he look so handsome?"

She would then ask about the Doctors and how it got fixed. I explained to her that Colton had a special doctor to fix up his cleft lip so that he can eat and drink things better. She calls it his "Clipped Lip" and can and will now tell you that "Colton used to have a clipped lip, but Dr. Hurst fixed it for him." After that, her discomfort went away. She will now explain it to others just the way we explained it to her. And she's totally not phased by it.

Colton, on the other hand, hasn't really acknowledged it....yet. He's seen lots of pictures but in true Colton fashion, he doesn't really talk about it. So we'll see how the future plays out!  Thanks for the question and for reading!  :)

Another dose of dentistry

So I was driving across town this particular morning, coming home from the littles' dentist appointment (getting to that) and within the confines of our 'Burb, those LITTLES were screaming, hitting, and biting each other something BIG. (In fairness, by 'they' I mean Hunter and Ethan. Colton was exempt from this).

It was the second day in a row for these two to be at each other's throats and for me to be their referee. Now, as you may know, I have a crap-ton of patience, but the ultra annoying tone of Ethan's wail, coupled with the shrillness of Hunter's shriek was about all I could take. 

I was literally about to open my mouth and yell something I knew I shouldn't and then I noticed where I was-one turn away from the office in which I spent years and years pining for a baby of my own. The office I can still remember today as well as I did almost 6 years ago. An office whose walls have seen some of my most devastating tears as well as the best moments of my life.

So while the screaming continued, I impulsively made that turn and drove into the parking lot of my infertility doctor's office.

Divine intervention? A sign? Coincidence? Perfect Timing? Call it what you want.

All I know is that at that moment, I was suddenly grateful for the three little people in my backseat. Even the two who were screaming.

Sometimes we need those reminders.

The good news is... we have no cavities! (And by 'we' I DEFINITELY don't mean me...) But hooray for the wee ones! I'm determined that they will have happy teeth for life.

I was uncertain about Ethan, once again. Last visit, you may recall, he refused. Like, straight up, said, "No thank you. I will not be having my teeth cleaned today." So I knew today was going to be a gamble. He was totally compliant when asked to hop on the scale, so immediately, I had hope!

We only waited in the waiting room about 4 minutes before we were called back. Hunter immediately crawled up on the purple chair, Colton climbed up on the red chair

and Ethan climbed up NO chair anywhere. "Nope. No thank you. No need to have my teeth cleaned."Again....{the hygienist even had it in her notes from the last visit}.

I asked him if he wanted to sit in Dr. Bunch's yellow swivel chair instead of the exam chairs and surprisingly, he said yes. So I figured that was worth something.... Colton and Hunter's hygienists began their cleanings while Ethan's was finishing up with another patient. I just kind of ignored him and talked to Dr. Bunch casually, while watching Ethan's curiosity with it all out of the corner of my eye.

When his hygienist finished, and approached Ethan, she said, "Hey you! Were you waiting for ME?" in a very lighthearted, friendly manner.  Much to my surprise and delight, he said, "Yep!" And  just like that he was at her mercy. Whatever she wanted, he did. Hop up on the chair? Check. Put on these sunglasses? Check. Open wide? Check. She has magical powers...

I'm hoping this will be like pooping on the potty for him. Now that he's done it and sees that's it not at all bad, he'll be less anxious the next time. {Fingers crossed.} We have six months to find out....

Just as a side note, I tried to get a picture of Colton's teeth. Many people ask what his teeth are like after his cleft lip and palate. I'll see if I can snap one to show you one of these days. Basically, his bottom teeth are totally fine. Luckily for him, that's all you see when he smiles. Though I have no doubt he'd still be every bit as handsome if you could see his top teeth, he may not agree.



His top teeth are pretty crooked. There's no other way to put it. The overall tendency of the very front teeth is to grow down, but also back. (In other words, imagine that the very bottom edges of his front teeth are pointing towards his throat rather than pointing to the bottom row of teeth. He's got some funky spaces in there too, and an extra little tiny tooth to boot!

The beauty of it all is that it doesn't hinder him at all. He still eats anything and everything he wants and even successfully eats corn on the cob. (and this is quite possibly one of the most difficult foods we could put on his plate. Just imagine how difficult it would be to eat Corn on the cob if your top chompers were pointing backward. But dude's my hero. He can take down a cob of corn with the best of 'em.

So for now, aside from looking very, very crooked, this is  the only residual 'effect' we see for our 'baby born with a cleft lip and palate.' We see the dentist every six months and we see his plastic surgeon at least once a year.

His speech is surprisingly good. There are a few speech sounds that he articulates incorrectly, but he is such a fast learner that he has been able to correct almost every one. (He isn't currently even going to speech services, but as a kindergarten teacher-mommy, I'm very aware of words and sounds he says wrong and am fast to reteach them correctly. He's such a trooper and never, ever gets frustrated when we practice articulating and enunciating words. Even Hunter, (his sister-mommy) gets in on the action. Often, when they don't even know I'm listening, I'll hear her say to him, "No Colton, watch my mouth. Say 'hel-uh-cop-ter.' And he does it. They practice together syllable by syllable. Sooo sweet. The reality in fact, is that Colton's speech is more intelligible than Ethan's on most occasions. Luckily, they have each other to act as peer models and they absolutely learn from one another. (Sometimes this is bad, but mostly good.)

When Colton is somewhere near 7 years old, he'll have another surgery to reconstruct his upper gum line. They will do a bone graft in which they take bone from his hip to recreate a new gum line for his permanent teeth to grow down through.

Do I shutter at the thought of another surgery, especially after nearly losing him at his last one? You don't even know. I watch him go through his day to day life, just like his brother and sister and I wish to all the powers of the world that it could be me who has to bear that pain I know he'll endure. But I can't. All I can do is continue to tell him how handsome he is and how smart and kind he is. I can only love him in a way that leaves him no doubt that I will be there with him when this next surgery rolls around and I will not leave his side.

Love you, little buddy...

And don't you forget-chicks dig scars!  :) 

Three little troopers super excited about their goody bags full of stickers, toothbrushes, flossers, and their tokens which they get to redeem for a toy once they get back out to the waiting room! 

And that concludes another Bunchkin adventure.

Thank you Northwest Children's Dentistry for another successful outing! Still don't regret driving clear across town to come see you all! 

More to come!

Life with Colton's Cleft Lip & Palate...

So a few weeks ago, I checked my email and saw that my bloghad (somehow) received an award for being a leader in the Cleft Lip/ Palate Community. I'm sure that happened simply because a search for the terms 'Cleft Lip/Palate 'returned someresults on my blog and not because I really am a leader! Either way, it's always nice to receive ANY awards, so I proudly displayed it on my sidebar! Then I got to thinking. Aside from early on, I really haven't devoted much time on this blog to Colton's Cleft Lip or Palate.I figure that's because in our eyes, he's no different than his triplet brother or sister.

However... when I was still pregnant and learned that we were having a son who would be born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, I, like those who have been in my shoes, starting searching for ANY information about this subject. (I wasn't so much looking for pictures as I was information regarding surgeries, etc.) Most of what I found was very clinical. Helpful, but clinical. (I was not quite as saavy a blogger at the time so I really only searched medical websites, completely forgetting to search personal blogs.) But I wanted to know what 'life' was like. Real life. I wanted to know what raising Colton as a baby would be like. And I didn't really find much...so to rectify that, I will be that "real life" information for anyone else searching...

So here we are! If you are having a child with a cleft lip or palate or you know someone who is, please, send them here! I will tell it like it is! Early on, about halfway through my 33 week pregnancy, we learned that Baby A (Colton) had a bilateral cleft lip and palate. I would say that both Brian and I were momentarily stunned upon hearing this news. And I would be lying if I didn't admit to being a little bit sad. Not for us, but for him. It's one thing to be a singleton and have this condition, but when you are born at the same time as two others, comparisons begin immediately and are frankly inevitable. (Plus, the kindergarten teacher in me has seen the blatant, often hurtful honesty of children and I just didn't want my child to ever fall victim to that.) So my heart broke for Colton, thinking about what people would say or think when they saw my triplets, and then noticed the "one with the cleft lip." But here's the thing. If you are receiving this news about your own child, DO NOT BE UPSET! It's NOT THAT BAD!

Honestly, I know we all want our children to be born perfect, but I don't think that's even possible. It is startling news to hear of course, but it will be whatever you make of it. None of my children are perfect and that's why I love them all. It's the funny things about each one that make them so unique. Who would want to be perfect? That's just a lot of unnecessary stress, dont you think? :) So be sad if you want for a day or so, but then remember:

This is NOT your fault, and more importantly, it is NOT your child's fault.

YOU must be your child's advocate. YOU are required to love your child unconditionally.

YOU are the one who must pave the road for your child.

YOU determine the attitude that you take.

YOU can seize this opportunity early on to teach others about tolerance and acceptance or you can wallow in sorrow or embarrassment.

YOU are the most important person in your child's life.

YOUR opinions about your child will most strongly influence THEIR opinions about themselves.

I'm not going to lie. I had to adjust a little bit to how I personally handled people's reactions to Colton when we would go in public. (Which we did very early on, even with triplets!) At the beginning, I was very forthright about it. We'd be standing in the checkout line at Target and the people behind us would notice the 3 babies and begin the standard line of triplet questioning, "Are they triplets?," "How old are they?" "How big were they?" And then, because I knew they were wondering but preferred to stand by, in awkward silence, as opposed to chance offending me once they noticed Colton's lip, I would always interject, "Yes, he has a cleft lip." {Really? As if they didn't notice} "He'll get to have surgery to correct that in a few months!" And then most people were at ease, knowing that I was at ease.

Don't get me wrong, there are socially ignorant people out there and we've all met them from time to time. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I heard the word "harelip" come out of someone's mouth when describing Colton. And through that pain and anger, rather than stew about it and be mad, I used it as an opportunity to teach. I explained to this woman that "harelip" is sort of an outdated term to describe this condition and can be construed as derogatory. I explained that it's simply called a cleft lip. She may have been offended by my remark to her, but I'm okay with that, because I'm pretty sure she'll remember it next time she comes across someone with a cleft lip. I'm certain she was not trying to be rude or insulting, but often times, as with anything, sometimes people just aren't aware they are being hurtful until someone brings it up.

For me, it ranks right up there with people using the word "retard" as in, "Oh my gosh, you are such a retard!" or "retarded" in that same light. NAILS. ON. A. CHALKBOARD. It's never insulting until you accidentally say it in front of someone whose child or family member or friend IS in fact, mentally retarded. Just food for thought..

(stepping down off my pedestal....)

Anyway, my point (2 paragraphs ago) was that initially, I felt this great need to just put it out there! But that subsided. Soon enough, I stopped even thinking twice about it, and I think others did too. Which again, is why I say, a cleft lip is no big deal. It will only be as much of an issue as you make it.

So right away, even while Colton was still in the NICU for being a preemie and having the cleft lip/palate, we were put in touch with an Orofacial Team here in our town who would help orchestrate all of Colton's services until he is 18. Years! Not months! How great is that? So my first advice is to find the closest Orofacial team to where you live. They will help you understand what kinds of special needs your child will have as they grow.

There are really just 3 things you might be interested to know about raising a baby with a cleft lip... (or in my case, raising one with a cleft lip and 2 without)

The first difference between Colton and his brother and sister is that he uses a different n.ipple on his bottles. He does not have an ability to suck like a typical child, so we were taught to use a Habermann N.ipple. I remember sort of fighting this with the NICU nurses at first. We really just wanted to SEE if Colton could eat from a regular bottle. But, he can't. He tried. And it's not a big deal. Whoever feeds Colton knows that they have to manually squeeze the n.ipple to allow formula to pass from the bottle, through the one-way valve and into the longer than normal n.ipple where it cannot flow back down.

Sounds easy right? Well it is. But it wasn't- for us, or for Colton. I would go home from the NICU so frustrated that I could not master the right amount of pressure to create the right amount of flow to get him to eat comfortably and he couldn't decide where in his mouth was most comfortable for that n.ipple to go. So he'd eat a few millileters and then be done. FRUS-TRA-TING!!! But as with anything else, practice made perfect and now the child can guzzle 10 ounces in a heartbeat! So that's the first difference.

Second difference? He had to have surgery at 3 months old. His brother and sister did not. He handled surgery like a pro and the results are hundreds of times better than I could have hoped for. His surgeon, Dr. Craig Hurst is phenomenal. Seriously. He used as much skin glue as he could as opposed to sutures so as to minimize scarring. Well, it worked. Colton's lip is amazing to me. Surgery was tough mainly because he was such a little baby. But he only stayed overnight one night and then continued to heal in the comforts of our home! Babies are much more resilient than adults, I believe that now. So now we prepare for his second surgery, which will correct his palate.

Third difference? Things {formula, snot, applesauce, green bean chunks, noodles, chicken, gerber puffs, you name it} come out of his nose. Before he'd started solid food and was adjusting to eating formula, he had pretty good reflux issue where formula would literally come pouring back out his nostrils and it was scary. Scary for us and scarier for him. I don't think he was ever in any kind of danger, but let's just say that the bulb syringe (snot sucker) stayed close to wherever Colton was because it was the fastest way to clear his nose and prevent him from choking, once it started flowing. Luckily he outgrew that issue at about 6 months old.

Now, the issue is with solid food. He can eat everything his brother and sister eat. Gerber puffs, real chicken, noodles, pasta, vegetables, crackers, jello, yogurt, fruit, etc. Literally exactly the same things. However.....in the process of swallowing, food often makes its way from the mouth up into his nasal cavity (because remember, he doesn't have a closed roof of his mouth) and it tickles his nose and causes a good ol' aaah...aaaahhh....aaaaahhhhhhh...CHOOOOO! And with the force of rocket headed for space, OUT the nose comes whatever he was eating! It bothers him only slightly now, though his brother and sister have begun to find it hysterical when Colton sneezes and he's left with a noodle hanging out his nose! Aaah, sibling love. So it's not a big deal, just slightly bothersome for Colton. We just always keep paper towels handy at meal times. :)

Otherwise, he does everything the same way his brother and sister do. He uses the same sippy cup they do (though I purposely bought brands like Munchkin and Nuby that have clear silicone spouts as opposed to hard plastic. This way, Colton can at least kind of 'chew' on the spout and get the water to come out since he does not have that same ability to suck.) Although I'll say this, he's gotten darn good at it without a lot of chewing.

And frankly, that's it. Those are the only issues we've had to deal with in his first year of life. Not bad huh? And let me just say, Colton's new smile melts hearts faster than my microwave melts butter. I am not kidding. Those who know him know exactly what I mean. The funny thing though is this...when it was time for Colton to have surgery to correct his lip, I didn't want to lose the smile he was born with. That is the truth. He is my child.. he was perfect for me then and perfect for me still. Interestingly, Colton was the first born and he wears that title to a T. He is the leader of the pack, has always done everything first and is just incredibly smart. My dad always muses that Colton was somehow given extra talents and abilities in life because he had to bear the burden, if you want to call it that, of having a birth defect. He may just be right. But I'll tell you this...Colton is going to do great things in his life. Nothing will stop him. And I just can't wait to be there...

So now, we prepare for his next surgery. Looks like May 4th is the big day! I'll keep you posted! And no worries, everyone, my personal anesthesiologist is already on board! Thank you Tony!

So let's just sum up today's ramblings...

A cleft lip is not a big deal.

You will love your child no matter what.

Your child will impress you beyond belief.

You will wonder why you ever worried. :)

And that's something to smile about!

A new smile to love, and another we'll never forget...

Most of you probably know me by now, but if you don't, read on. My name is Colton Bunch. I am 3 months and 1 week old. I am a triplet. I am the oldest. I am the big brother. when I was still growing in mom's tummy, they found out that my lip did not look like my brother and sister's. I heard them say I had a cleft lip. I wondered if that would mean they wouldn't love me as much, but it didn't. In fact, I think it made everyone love me more. I love my smile, but sometimes I get sad that I can't keep a pacifier in my mouth like Ethan and Hunter. Or that I spit up a lot more of my food and it comes out of my nose and mouth. So I was kind of excited when mom and dad told me I was going to get a new smile. I was also a little scared, I mean, I am only a baby you know. So this past Tuesday, June 30th, I got a new look...I hope you like it. :) My mom will tell you the rest...
Again, most of you probably know ME by now too...probably far too much about me! But if you've just come across our blog, then here's the rest of our story. My name is Ami. My husband's name is Brian. We are the proud parents of 3 month old triplets, Colton, Ethan and Hunter. This story, however is about our first born baby boy, Colton. As he just told you, he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. We knew about it before he was born, but never knew just how much his smile would melt our hearts and everyone's around him. Just look at his silly grin and you can't help but smile back. Colton and I had a strong bond from the very start. Probably because the mother instinct in me drove me to feel that I had to "protect" my little boy from the cruelty of the world. Before he was even born, we were anxious to get his smile corrected, but after he was born, that sort of changed...the more we got to know THIS little face, the sadder we became as his surgery date neared. But I was a kindergarten teacher for too long, and know all too well how harsh kids can be to one another. Deep down, I knew that fixing his lip was the right thing to do-for HIM and the rest of HIS life.

So this past Tuesday became a very BIG day for a very little boy....



The Friday before surgery, we took Colton to UMC for his Pre-Anesthesioloy appt. Here, we basically filled out all insurance paperwork and signed consent forms. Colton never even opened his eyes....

Here's mommy and her Baby Boy...

And Daddy and his little man...

This is the smile we had fallen in love with....

So with mixed emotions, on Tuesday morning, Aunt Mary and I packed up the little man, said goodbye to my other 2 babies and gramma and headed for UMC. Unfortunately, Brian had to be out of town for work, so he was unable to be here until later this night. Here, we are waiting to be called into the Pre-Op room.
Aunt Mary and her favorite Nephew. (Don't worry, she tells Ethan the same thing)

After not a terribly long wait, Colton was called into the Pre-op room where I answered questions about his health background for what felt like the tenth time to the the tenth different person. Colton was quite taken with his "Big Boy Crib." Never mind that it looks a bit like a baby jail cell...

I'll be honest, at this point, I am not nervous for the procedure itself, but only thinking ahead to the pain my little boy was about to be in and the struggle I would feel because I wouldn't be able to make him understand why....

You'll notice his awesome hospital gown...intended for a small child. Not a small baby. But he pulled it off. :)

Aunt Mary and Colton. Seriously. He's wearing a dress!

Fortunately, for my own well-being, Colton was in a great mood this morning. He was cooing, smiling and giggling at all the nurses.

How can you not love this goofy smile...

As we got closer to surgery time, the anesthesiologist and surgeon came in to talk with us about the procedure one last time. So look closely at the picture below....does he look familiar?? Think back to my C-Section. Yup! My friend, Tony (Dr. Lucas) came through for me again and was able to schedule himself to do Colton's anesthesiology! Thank you Tony...you will probably never know how grateful I am to you....

And this is the Surgeon who would forever change the grin that greeted me every morning in his crib, so happy to start a new day. This is Dr. Craig Hurst.

As you can see, Colton knows who to be afraid of... :)

"Don't worry baby boy. Mama will be waiting for you as soon as it's over. Don't be afraid little buddy."

And this would be the last time I ever saw that sweet smile...

It's a very strange feeling to hand your baby off to people he doesn't even know. Luckily for me, my friend Tony took Colton and carried him to the Operating Room. That helped mine and Mary's peace of mind tremendously, knowing that Tony was in there every minute, taking care of my baby.

And then the wait began....Dr. Hurst sort of estimated that it would take about 2 and half hours to complete the surgery, so that's kind of what Mary and I were going off of. So we waited out on the patio as the first hour passed, then the 2nd, then the 3rd and then the 4th hour....I will admit, I was a bit afraid of why the surgery was taking so long. But finally, we saw Dr. Hurst coming towards us on the patio to let us know how it went.

You know how you try to read a person's face before any words even leave their mouth? Well Dr. Hurst's was hard to read. "Is this bad?" I wonder. But, he said it went well. Didn't start on time (that explains one of the hours) because they had some difficulty getting Colton to sleep. (My POOR BABY!) But eventually they did, and the surgery went beautifully. Thus began our next wait....seeing him in the recovery room.

Tony came out and got us and took us into the recovery room. Walking into that room, filled with bed after bed, patient after patient, my mind raced wondering what I was about to see. As we approached Colton's cubicle, I heard his signature cry tainted with a bit of scratchiness from being intubated throughout surgery. All I could think was "I'm coming baby! Mama's coming." And no sooner than we walked into his "room", did his nurse, Eva, hand him to me, clearly having been unsuccessful herself at consoling him.

This is what I saw.

An absolutely miraculously done surgery, but a face I honestly did not recognize. I knew it was my baby, but his signature smile was gone. And he was in real pain.

Let me say this. Consider yourself lucky if you have never had to watch your own child, a baby in particular, go through something so traumatic. Remember tough me? The one who loves shark attacks and military shows? Well I take it back. When I saw him, I did not feel one ounce of tough. I felt absoutely miserable. All I could do was hold him, talk to him, let him hear my voice and tell him he'd be okay, even though I wasn't sure I believed that myself. He looked so pathetic. His cheeks were beginning to swell, the sutures keeping his lip together were tainted with blood and the tubes in his nose to keep his nasal passages open were straining his ability to take deep breaths. It was all I could do not to cry.

But this was a new role for me. I couldn't fall apart because I had to be there for my son. He needed me to smile at him and tell him how handsome he looked. Everyone says "don't worry, he'll never remember this." The problem though, is that I'll never forget. My sweet Colton, you are every bit as beautiful as you were the day you were born. You are a tough little man, much tougher than you should have to be...I am so proud of you.

Grampa and Aunt Mary, I know, felt every bit as anguished as I did that we could not console Colton or help him understand where he was and why he was hurting so much. Again, all we could do was talk to him and let him hear as many familiar voices as we could.

Not terribly long after, his wonderful nurse, Eva, told me they had his room ready on the 3rd floor, (the Pediatrics Unit.) She also told me that several of the nurses remembered Colton from his short stay in that unit just before he came home from the NICU. That actually made me feel better too knowing he was going back to a place he had already been. At this point, any bit of familiarity or comfort for Colton would do my heart good.

So Eva, Anthony, Colton and I headed off to 3W, the Pediatrics Unit.

And that began the longest night of my life. It was hard enough watching the poor little thing scream in pain, but add to that the fact that I had to try feeding him immediately using his special bottle. Oh my god...the anxiety I felt having to force a bottle into a very sore, swollen little mouth was enough to put me over the edge! But again. That's my job. This chair became our home away from home. We spent most of our time right here in this chair.
Later that night, Brian arrived from Phoenix and experienced the same bit of shock that I did upon seeing his little man, completely changed, for the first time. But also every bit as impressed at what an amazing job Dr. Hurst and the team did.

Also later that night, Aunt Mary traded roles with Gramma so that Gramma could steal away from Ethan and Hunter to come visit little Colton and sing to him. :)

It's been said many times now, how much Colton resembles Ethan now. Which stands to reason really. They are brothers, triplets at that. When he's all healed, I'll put up some comparison pictures of the two.

Well, because we wanted to maintain some normalcy for Ethan and Hunter, Brian decided to go home that night and take care of the other two munchkins while I would stay at the hospital and take care of the littlest patient. Let me just say, that may have been the hardest night of my life. Just when Colton would fall asleep, he would need to be awakened for pain medicine or vital sign checks or to attempt to eat, and would therefore scream in pain again. This cycle continued the whole night.

And there I sat, rocking my sweet boy just as best as I could while he cried. I became increasingly grateful for the constant beeps and blips of his heart monitors all night becase they helped cover the sound of my own crying that ensued each time Colton would drift back to sleep. I have never wanted a night to end so bad in my life. His nurses that day and night, Daria and Amy, were angels wearing scrubs. They had both been his nurses before when he stayed there after the NICU, and they both remembered him. I'm sure they could tell how upset I was and were therefore even more loving towards my little boy themselves. Some people are simply meant for careers like that and Daria and Amy are two of them. And though she wasn't his nurse this time, Laura came in to visit with us and Colton too. She had actually been his nurse one day while he in the NICU. Each one of them in their own way, made it easier to be there.

Somehow, morning finally came and I waited anxiously for Brian to get to the hospital. I just needed someone else there to bear some of the heaviness of Colton's care. Don't get me wrong, I did not want to give up my little boy to anyone, (and I really only let Brian hold him a few times probably!) but I needed support. Someone else to tell Colton he'd be okay and to take that burden off of me for just a few minutes. .

Those who know him, can probably see some of Ethan in these pictures of Colton's new face.

Here I am in frustration, confirming for poor nurse Daria, that Colton still had not eaten.

Little by little Colton began to eat again. We ended up having to entice him into eating by mixing his formula with Apple flavored Pedialyte. Worked like a charm, though his appetite just simply wasn't his usual. And what do you expect?

And here may be evidence of the worst part of the whole thing....notice Colton's elbow splints. He has to wear these, made of velcro and hard, pliable plastic on his arms to prevent him from messing with his sutures and nasal tubes. Poor baby can't even put his arms down by his sides.

I like to think he's saying, "Mommy, I love you THIS much!"

There's Dad, hanging out.

And here I go again, trying to feed Colton.

This is a card that Gramma helped Ethan and Hunter make for their big brother. Colton was happy to see their faces. He missed them and so did I.

After a little uncertainty about whether or not Colton was going to be able to go home that night, we got the word! He was free. Though I would need to really work hard to get him to keep eating.

"Goodbye Nurse Daria! Thank you for taking such good care of me! I'll see you at the new building for my palate surgery!"

Does this hallway look familiar?

Baby Boy, we're goin' home!

This picture is 2 days post-op. The swelling, believe it or not, has gone down tremendously, but the bruising has only begun to worsen.

Those who knew Colton before will feel the same sense of amazement that we did at how absolutely different he looks.

Ethan wanted Colton to know he was there for him, so he wore the elbow splints as a show of solidarity!

Home once again, Aunt Mary is there to rock me while I get better....
And I'm here to work on my new smile.

So though I do not have even MORE recent post-op surgery pictures up here yet, I'll say this. I had no idea how much pent up anxiety I still felt for my poor little man, until tonight. I was sitting on the floor watching Colton in his bouncy seat, just talking to him, telling him how much I loved him. And somehow, through sutures, tubes and bruises, he honestly forced a smile. And all I could do was cry. And he did it again and I cried some more. Brian confirmed that I was not imagining it :) and said to Colton, "Thank you buddy. You just did your mom's heart good."

And he sure did.